Letting Go With Faith
Letting Go With Faith
A fair amount of my life has been spent attempting to maintain order. Coming from such an unpredictable upbringing, I guess that’s par for the course. I have struggled with last-minute changes, cancelled plans, and spontaneity. Instead of letting go with faith and trusting the process that is life, I would try and anticipate, predetermine, or outright control what was happening around me. Honestly, it was exhausting and frustrating. During those times I was in the middle of an all-out, anxiety-inducing, spiraling mess…that I put myself in. But I’m working on relinquishing some control.
I can’t control the traffic. But I can have faith that my pre-determined route is clear…and that I’ll wake up with plenty of time to do my hair and paint my face.
I can’t control the weather. But I can have faith that I’ll remember an umbrella. Or that my setting spray will hold. Or that the weather man was wrong. And if all of that goes wrong, well…
water doesn’t stain, right?
I can’t control my family getting hurt, sick, or moving away. But I can have faith that our love is present even if they’re aren’t. Part of that is making sure I’m spending time with them now; FaceTime, phone calls, and shopping trips included. The other part of that is living in the moment. If I find out someone I love is sick, I don’t want to waste time thinking about tomorrow. I want to be with them today.
I can’t control the upcoming school year. It’s scary and unsettling to know that “normal” just isn’t going to apply to my work right now. But I can have faith that the work we do will not be impeded because the work we do is needed. We will still educate students, staff, and parents on sexual abuse. Just a quick reminder:
I can’t control my triggers. I can’t help that slammed doors, stomping feet, or the sound of a motorcycle sends a jolt of fear up my spine. But I can have faith that my four years spent in CBT prepared me to manage my triggers with an arsenal of skills. I have faith that I can manage through pain and fear.
I can’t control my son growing up so fast. Time out: every parent told me that each stage of childhood feels like the blink of an eye. I always nodded my head and said, “I bet!” I didn’t realize how right they were until I experienced that blink myself….and my son is only 3! Anyways…I can have faith that my son is healthy, happy, and able to enjoy his childhood in ways I never did.
After years of failed attempts, I am so done trying to micromanage what the universe has in store for me. I do not have complete control over my life and that’s an uncomfortable reality. But I’ll take our uncomfortable reality over the weighted burden of constant control any day.